Gert Bigger
Gert Bigger.

Illman
Yes you most certainly are! Ah hah, hah, hah....oh, I mean you don't say. What an unusual name? What is it?

Bigger
Listen weasel, I didn't come here to get all chummy with you. So let's cut the small talk and get to the questions.

Illman
Now hold on just a minute. According to the book, The Letter, the Witch, and the Ring, it says that you were tricked by the demon Asmodai and turned into a willow tree. That must have been very embarrassing. Would you like to explain that one to our audience? It also says in here that you once had a crush on a boy named Mordecai Hunks. Just think, if you would have hitched up with him, you'd be Gert Hunks.

Bigger
I've had about enough out of you weasel. If you don't start with the real questions, I'm going to show you why they call me a witch.

Illman
All right then, have it your way. Let's play "Who Wants to be an Evil Heir!" Gert, here comes your $100 question. Which of the following is NOT one of the main characters in the books of John Bellairs?

A) Anthony Monday
B) Lewis Barnavelt
C) Your mamma
D) Johnny Dixon

Bigger
I'll say "C, your mamma."

Illman
She's right for $100! Here comes your $200 question! Who is John Bellairs' favorite author?

A) R.L. Stine
B) Tobias Smollet
C) John L. Stoddard
D) Charles Dickens

Bigger
I don't really know that much about John Bellairs, but it seems I read in an interview one time that he kind of liked Charles Dickens. So I'm going to say "D, Charles Dickens."

Illman
Is that your final answer?

Bigger
What do you think, snapper head?

Illman
"D" is right! All right, now for your $300 question. What was the professor's code name while operating as an intelligence officer during WW I?

A) Mr. Cranky
B) The Crab
C) Your Mamma
D) Pickle

Bigger
Mmmm, these are getting tougher. I think I'm going to have to ask the audience on this one.

Illman
All right audience, Gert needs your help.

[A pause while the audience members make their selections]

Illman
Wow! 25% said "A", 25% said "B," "25% said "C," and what do you know, 25% said "D." Tough break Gert.

Bigger
Well, I came to play, so let me go ahead and take the fifty-fifty.

Illman
All right let's take away two of the wrong answers please...and Gert, there are your two choices:

B) The Crab
C) Your Mamma

Bigger
Mmmm, "Your Mamma" was the first thing that jumped out at me, so I think I'm going to have to say "B, Your Mamma." Final answer.

Illman
Is that your- yes, I guess it is. No, I'm so sorry, the correct answer was "C, The Crab." Gert, I'm so sorry. Thanks for playing though. Better luck next time.

What a pleasant lady. Reminds me a little bit of my grandmother - in a nightmarish sort of way. Sorry she didn't win more. But sometimes that's just the way it goes. All right. It's time for our next fastest finger/claw/tentacle question. Contestants, are you ready? Mr. Thanatos, please, I'm not going to tell you again to turn around and quit staring at the children in the audience. You're making everyone uncomfortable. All right. Everyone get ready. Here goes! Put the following places in geographical order starting with the north and moving south.

A) New Zebedee, Michigan
B) Duston Heights, Massachusetts
C) Hoosac, Minnesota
D) Isle au Haut, Maine

And the winner is...in zero seconds, at that...Nyarlat-Hotep! Congratulations Nyarlat-Hotep. Come on over and let's get started. Zero seconds, wow! That must be some kind of record. You must have entered your choices before the clock started. How'd you do it?

Nyarlat-Hotep
I know everything. I will conquer all.

Illman
Do you mind not drooling on the console there, Mr. Hotep? Thank you. That's an interesting name you've got there. You want to tell us a little about yourself.

Nyarlat-Hotep
I know everything. I will conquer all.

Illman
That's fascinating, Mr. Hotep. Tell you what, the producers of the show had a feeling conversation wasn't going to be your strong suit, so they did a little research on you and this is what they came up with. It seems you've been around for quite some time, going back to the days of the ancient Egyptians. And that in your spare time you like to cast entire continents into the ocean in order to feed on the terror and grief of a million dying souls. And that you didn't make a very good pirate as you were more interested in killing your victims than taking their gold. Your last known appearance was in the book The Wrath of the Grinning Ghost by Brad Strickland. Anything you'd like to add, Mr. Hotep?

Nyarlat-Hotep
I know everything. I wil...

Illman
...Yes, yes, very nice. I'm proud of you. People, could we get a bib out here for Mr. Hotep? He seems to be overly excited. Okay, Mr. Hotep. Here is your $100 question: Which of the following characters was NOT an evil presence in the books of John Bellairs?

A) Rufus Masterman
B) Edmund Stallybrass
C) Jute Feasel
D) Anders Borkman

Nyarlat-Hotep
I know ev'r...C. The answer is "C, Jute Feasel." The only thing evil about that man is his mouth.

Illman
And he's right for $100! All right Nyarlat, here is your $200 dollar question: According to Shakespeare and Chadwick Glomus, what does it mean when the flame of the candle you are holding turns blue?

A) The flame is about to go out.
B) An evil presence is near.
C) Someone just died.
D) K-Mart is having a sale.

Nyarlat-Hotep
I will conq--Is this some kind of joke? Any dimwit would know the answer is "B, an evil presence is near." That's common household knowledge!

Illman
One wonders if you're a blue-blooded evil presence -- yes! And he's got it for $200! Way to go Mr. Hotep. So why don't you tell us who you brought with you tonight.

Nyarlat-Hotep
My wife, Betsy.

Illman
Hello Mrs. Hotep and welcome to the show.

Betsy Nyarlat-Hotep
Rrrarrrghrooaar!!!!

Illman
Heh-heh - does she know everything, too? Has she conquered you?

Nyarlat-Hotep
Watch it, little man.

Illman
Really, Mr. Hotep -- you dog, you. She's a peach! Could we get a bib for Mrs. Hotep as well and raincoats for our audience members sitting next to her? Sorry, Leo. Thanks guys.

[Suffice it to say that Nyarlat-Hotep effortlessly answers all the questions up to the $250,000 level]

Illman
Okay, Nyarlat. Here is your $250,000 question: How much money was paid to Anthony Monday when he sold the treasure of Alpheus Winterborn to the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago?

A) $5,000
B) $25,000
C) $50,000
D) $125,000

Nyarlat-Hotep
This is like stealing candy from a baby. "D," final answer.

Illman
And you're right for $250,000! All right Nyarlat. You're going for $500,000. Are you ready?

Nyarlat-Hotep
Rrrrrrrr.

Illman
Right. Here we go. What sound does a fuse box dwarf make?

A) Woo Hah!
B) Yaa-maa
C) Dreeb! Dreeb!
D) Rraarrrghrroaaarrr!!!!

Nyarlat-Hotep
A fuse box dwarf? There's no such creature!

Illman
I'm afraid there is Mr. Hotep. It happens to be the magical creation of Jonathan Barnavelt, and if you're wanting to advance any further, then you're going to have to tell us what sound it makes.

Nyarlat-Hotep
Don't get smart with me weasel. If this is a trick question, you're going to wish you were never born, little man!

Illman
That's nice, Nyarlat. How about an answer.

Nyarlat-Hotep
I think I'd like to contact a friend.

Illman
You have friends? Could have fooled me. All right Mr. Hotep. Who can we contact for you?

Nyarlat-Hotep
I'd like to contact Tinky Winky.

Illman
What's a Tinky Winky?

Nyarlat-Hotep
A Teletubby

Illman
A what?

Nyarlat-Hotep
A Teletubby

Illman
You know a Teletubby? Is it an evil Teletubby?

Nyarlat-Hotep
Are there any other kind?

Illman
Good point. Okay magic mirror. Do your stuff. We need you to contact the Tinky Winky.

Magic mirror
I'm on break.

Illman
You're what??? I'll give you a break if you don't hurry up and contact that Teletubby!

Magic mirror
Yes master. Should I get Hanky Panky while I'm at it?

[A vision of a purple Teletubby with an unidentified cooking utensil on its head and carrying a red handbag materialized and begins waving innocently at the mirror.]

Illman
I don't believe this. And what is that in the background, some kind of giant, hideous sun baby pulsating out deadly energy. Oh my gosh! This must be the apocalypse. Oh, all right, like I can do anything about it. Stinky Winky, or whatever your name is. Nyarlat-Hotep needs your help. I can't bear to look at this...

Tinky Winky
Eh-oh.

Illman
That's right. He's going for $500,000, and he's stuck. I'm going to turn it over to Nyarlat who is going to ask you a question with four possible answers. It's all yours Mr. Hotep. You got 30 seconds beginning right now.

Nyarlat-Hotep
Okay, Tinky Winky. What sound does a fuse box dwarf make? Is it "A, Woo Hah," "B, Yaa-maa," "C, Dreeb! Dreeb!" or "D, Rraarrrghrroaaarrr!!!!?"

Tinky Winky
Eh-oh.

Nyarlat-Hotep
"Eh-oh" is not one of the choices spatula head! You'd better start talking some sense or you, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po are going to find yourselves in a world of hurt. Are you trying to say "woo-hah"?

Tinky Winky
Eh-oh.

Illman
I don't think Stinky is capable of saying anything else besides "eh-oh" Nyarlat. You got 10 seconds.

Nyarlat-Hotep
SILENCE!

Tinky Winky
Eh-oh.

Nyarlat-Hotep
All right, all right. Just make the shape of the letter with your body.

[Quickly Tinky Winky curves his body into a letter C and then the mirror grows dark.]

Nyarlat-Hotep
I think that was a "C" he was making.

Illman
So, Mr. Hotep. I guess the question now is: do you trust a Teletubby -- one that carries a handbag I might add?

Nyarlat-Hotep
Rrrrrrrrrr. I'm going to say "C" final answer.

Illman
And....... you're right for $500,000!!! Nyarlat, you're one question away from $1,000,000. What are you going to do with all that money if you win it?

Nyarlat-Hotep
Enslave the souls of mankind, starting with yours, and then destroy the world.

Illman
Oh come on, Nyarlat. You mean to tell me there aren't any Nyarlat-Hotep juniors running around back home? You know that they are going to need a college education some day.

Nyarlat-Hotep
I said I will destroy everyone in the world, starting with you!! Rrraarghroaarrrr!!!

Illman
Ambition. I like that in a contestant. I'm happy for you, Nyarlat. I see you eyeing that pitcher of water there. Are you thirsty?

Nyarlat-Hotep
What kind of water is this?

Illman
It's from one of our proud sponsors, Lethe Mineral Water. Try it. It's refreshing. All that roaring and slobbering you've been doing. You must be parched.

Nyarlat-Hotep
I am rather thirsty.

[Nyarlat-Hotep takes the entire pitcher of Lethe water, tosses it in his mouth and begins crunching. In no time at all, his sinister mind is wiped clean of all past recollection]

Illman
Well, good luck Nyarlat. No lifelines left, so your flying solo on this one. But here we go for $1,000,000. If you happen to be shopping at Masterman's Bottle Shop and notice the sign, SPECIAL TODAY. PESTS IN SMALL CONTAINERS, what would you most likely find in these containers?

A) Dry locusts
B) Roderick and Humphrey Childermass
C) Spiders
D) Regis Illman

Nyarlat-Hotep
Where am I? What is this place? Who are you? I'm so hungry I could, I could, eat a weasel. Mmmmm. Come here you...

Illman
Mr. Hotep, please remain seated. I'm not allowed to hug the contestants. So if you don't mind putting your tentacles down, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh my gosh! Your not going to hug me are you???

Nyarlat-Hotep
...Rrraaarrrgggroooaaaarr!!!!!

[Standing ovation from the audience]

Magic mirror
Ding dong, the weasel is dead, the weasel is dead, the weasel is dead. Ding dong the wicked weasel is dead!

Mitchell
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what that was all about, but I want to inform you of some late breaking news. The magic mirror has ended its strike! Which means we will be bringing you the next installment of "All About Evil" shortly. Again, we apologize for any confusion this may have caused our viewing audience. See you next time and remember... Believe only half of what you read!